Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering. You know the drill.
STUPID:
After I yawn, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing, I always say, “BORING!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 29, 2014
Try it.
REACTION:
I don’t make a very good first-through-seventh impressions.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 9, 2014
But that eighth impression, that’s when I really shine.
WISDOM:
My life is like that old song “Tears on My Pillow”, except instead of tears it’s salsa.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 9, 2014
This tweet is based on actual events.
WISDOM:
It’s obvious that psychics are fake because they never tell you you’re a horrible person.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 12, 2014
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes.
STUPID:
If you could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I recommend pizza. Everyone loves pizza.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 13, 2014
It’s tempting to cook a fancy meal, but you never know which luminaries of the past and present are picky eaters and would prefer the warm, cheesy goodness that no one can resist.
WISDOM:
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, because apparently God is a real condescending dick.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 15, 2014
“Haha, you have hopes and dreams. What a moron!”
WISDOM:
Failure favors the bold.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 21, 2014
You can’t spell failure without T-R-Y.
WISDOM:
I’m in favor of strict gun control, so there are a lot of people who I think should be stabbed.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 23, 2014
This is just a joke. I still think they should be shot.
WISDOM:
The word “mnemonic” is a handy mnemonic to remember that the world makes no sense and you may as well give up because f#%k it all to h#%l.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 23, 2014
“Mnemonic” comes from the Latin mnemonicus from the Greek mnemonikos from mnemon, meaning “mindful”, as in “Do you mind that this spelling is bonkers? I’m sure you don’t, you have bigger problems to worry about.”
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.