9 Facts About Life in NYC

Several months ago, I moved to New York City for a new job. It was a big change after living most of my life in the sprawling suburban Central Valley of California. As you can imagine, it’s taken some getting used to. I’ve noticed a few particular peculiarities about NYC, and I thought I’d share some of them here.

1. New Yorkers love to honk. Everywhere I go, people in cars are honking. Where I’m from, people usually only honk when there’s a hazard to be aware of. Here, honking is a way of life.

2. People honk more than their car horns. Speaking of honking, I’ve noticed that New Yorkers honk their noses when they’re blowing them. I don’t even know how to make the muted trumpet noise these people make when they blow their noses — right out in public, like it’s no big deal.

3. Public transportation isn’t crowded. This one isn’t a difference so much as a surprise. Where I’m from, I didn’t take public transportation much, but after hearing about the famously crowded NYC subways, I was pleased to discover that I can almost always find a spot to sit down.

4. Personal space is important. Although seats on the subway are plentiful, I have found that I get dirty looks if I sit too close to anyone. In fact, in most public places in NYC, people are very serious about their personal space. Some will even tell me to move away from them if they feel I’m too close — with a healthy dose of New York attitude!

5. Stores are open weird hours. Most of the stores I pass by are always closed during the day, and even at night. I don’t know how they expect to make any money that way. But really, how can anyone make enough money living in NYC?

6. Restaurants are all takeout. With rent prices so high, there aren’t a lot of big restaurants in terms of square footage. Even so, the little restaurants that are here all seem to be exclusively takeout and delivery. It’s like they don’t even want people inside the place.

7. Everyone wears masks. Where I’m from, hardly anyone covered their face in public. But here, nearly everyone is walking around with some kind of cloth, paper, or medical-style mask on. New York is a diverse place, so I’m guessing it’s for religious purposes?

8. Most people stay home. I expected the city to be more bustling than it is. It seems most people elect to just stay home most of the time. (It makes sense, I guess, since all the stores and restaurants are either closed or takeout only.) There are still people out and about, but it’s not at all like the TV shows and movies led me to believe.

9. Way more people have the coronavirus. Last year, when I lived in California, practically no one had COVID-19. But in NYC, thousands of people do. The guidebooks didn’t say anything about that! Only in New York!

It seems there’s a new surprise around every corner, and I’m soaking it in as part of the full New York experience. I imagine I’ll get used to it all over time — except for the nose honking. That’s just weird.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 86

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering. You know the drill.

STUPID:

Try it.

REACTION:

But that eighth impression, that’s when I really shine.

WISDOM:

This tweet is based on actual events.

WISDOM:

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes.

STUPID:

It’s tempting to cook a fancy meal, but you never know which luminaries of the past and present are picky eaters and would prefer the warm, cheesy goodness that no one can resist.

WISDOM:

“Haha, you have hopes and dreams. What a moron!”

WISDOM:

You can’t spell failure without T-R-Y.

WISDOM:

“Mnemonic” comes from the Latin mnemonicus from the Greek mnemonikos from mnemon, meaning “mindful”, as in “Do you mind that this spelling is bonkers? I’m sure you don’t, you have bigger problems to worry about.”

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 85

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.

REACTION:

I hope these women appreciate the gold they’re ignoring. Gold!

REACTION:

I follow candy developments pretty closely, and this is an interesting one. Presumably, companies want to deflect some of their blame for making people fat by suggesting that larger portions are for multiple people. It’s an interesting strategy. Also, this is a good joke.

WISDOM:

I think it’s funny to check on someone to make sure their dead, and it’s funny to prefer someone be dead. So this is funny for two reasons (assuming you like dead people).

STUPID:

Incel? More like inhair!

WISDOM:

This just makes me laugh. I’m a funny guy.

WISDOM:

What would you do if you were already dead? Imagine the freedom. You could do literally anything. I’d probably take a nap.

WISDOM:

Sorry, ugly kids, but you know it’s true.

WISDOM:

What I’m saying here is, it’s not a limited resource. Also, maybe something about castration?

WISDOM:

It’s simple.

REACTION:

Destroying the moon has been on my to-do list for some time.

WISDOM:

In reality, it would be an overactive spidey sense that would probably fail to warn you of approaching goblins.

REACTION:

Divorce is a funny thing.

WISDOM:

It’s easy to discount young people’s feelings because they are stupid, which they are. But that doesn’t make them less real. And feelings are powerful things. When you get down to it, maybe they’re the only things.

WISDOM:

This makes sense.

REACTION:

What I’m saying is, I stink. But this is a joke, so really I only stink in the figurative sense.

REACTION:

I write the best self-diss tracks in my head. They’re really catchy—lyrics, melody—like I wish I could write that well when I didn’t wish I was dead.

WISDOM:

Yes; punctuation.

WORDPLAY:

Did you know the library has over 40,000 books about the Earth being round, but only one about the Earth being flat? Why is that? Chem-trails. Look it up. But not at the library. Use the interNOT LIES. Crisis actors are coming to take away your sheep. Deep state. It’s simple.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 84

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.

WORDPLAY:

Let me guess… Does it rhyme with ‘a lot’?

REACTION:

I play out scenarios so often in my imagination that anything that happens in real life has already happened multiple times in my head. It’s easy to confuse the two.

REACTION:

Freak, nut, crank, kook, turtle, crackpot, human, bozo, wonderful dude.

WISDOM:

This could be about how I don’t want to meet people because I am a misanthrope, but actually it’s about you being disappointment by my real-life person.

REACTION:

This is a sick burn on both the Grammys and my Grammy (who we never actually called “Grammy”).

WISDOM:

Tribalism is more about the tribe than what the tribe is about.

REACTION:

Comments sections are made for hate.

STUPID:

This makes no sense.

WORDPLAY:

KA-BAM!

WISDOM:

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate loving the unlovable. That’s what love is.

WISDOM:

I love jokes like this, that are true and also funny and also so very wise.

WISDOM:

I WILL KILL YOU!

WISDOM:

Again: funny, true, wise.

WISDOM:

I don’t get why inspirational people are such pessimists when it comes to hating yourself.

WORDPLAY:

“It” being the packages she delivers, see.

WISDOM:

I like Daylight Saving Time.

WISDOM:

Fool me three times, I WILL KILL YOU!

REACTION:

I only post this tweet here for the same reason.

WORDPLAY:

Luckily I was able to get down OK, no thanks to you.

STUPID:

Banking is complicated.

REACTION:

This is not a joke; it is a truth. At the end of the day, when I figuratively can’t take it anymore, I stop, and that is a relief.

WISDOM:

Honor thy father and mother, and you’ll never work a day in thy life.

WISDOM:

It’s better to regret the mistakes you make in my favor than to regret the things you haven’t done.

REACTION:

This is a sad commentary on the current state of affairs.

REACTION:

No offense to old folks and people who want to coexist, but it just looks tacky.

STUPID:

“I hope your Today is This Morning” would have been funny too, if I had actually known the name of the CBS morning show.

WISDOM:

Yeah, man. Who has the energy to, like, find a drug dealer or to party all the time or to do whatever you people do? As for me, I’ll just sit at home and continuously eat ice cream and pizza until my heart gives out.

STUPID:

Cultural mix-ups are funny.

WORDPLAY:

This is just a joke.

REACTION:

This is true. One: In a speech class, I started two speeches with similar jokes and got marked down because each speech should stand alone. But each speech did stand alone with the individual joke as it was. The fact that the second was a callback was just a bonus for people who were paying attention. Two: I gave a speech where I acted like I didn’t care what I was saying. It was one of my final assignments in college, and the speech was about how I regretted not working harder in school. It was very meta. My instructor later told me it seemed like I didn’t take the assignment seriously. No doy.

WISDOM:

If you’re into catching flies. I just swat them, personally.

WORDPLAY:

I can’t believe more people didn’t get this joke. Just kidding, I can believe it; I’m not that incredulous.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 83

I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.

STUPID:

You’re better off doing it early. You don’t want them to find out about it on the school playground.

WORDPLAY:

Or “More nookies, less cookies (for Santa Claus, because you don’t have kids to lie to).”

STUPID:

Love County is a real place. I don’t know the stats on its contraceptive use.

WIDSOM:

Sad, but true. Or maybe it isn’t true. I don’t know. I can’t do anything right.

WISDOM:

This is just a joke. Don’t murder anyone, even assholes.

WISDOM:

It’ll last longer too.

WORDPLAY:

This is a very good joke.

RAP:

This rap uses Beastie Boys-style phrasing, and I don’t think it translates well to the written word.

STUPID:

That’s s’no way to talk to an Inuit.

(Snow.)

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 82

I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.

STUPID:

There’s no such thing as a stupid tweet.

WISDOM:

Even you. Maybe especially you.

STUPID:

I like this because it doesn’t make sense.

STUPID:

The conversation every parent dreads: Who are you?

STUPID:

This is funny because it’s true.

WORDPLAY:

And by “learned sign language” I mean I flip people off a lot.

STUPID:

We’re all like heroin addicts in some ways. Especially if we’re addicted to heroin.

REACTION:

It was a simpler time.

WORDPLAY:

If you don’t know how to pronounce bon mot, you won’t understand these jokes.

WISDOM:

I don’t know why people are so dumb.

WORDPLAY:

This is one of my favorites. You should retweet it.

WORDPLAY:

This is another good one. I was on a roll (bike joke).

WISDOM:

Sometimes what you really need is someone to tell you to quit being such a stupid asshole.

WORDPLAY:

If you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand this joke. Actually, if you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand any of my jokes.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.