This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 81

Occasionally I tweet on Twitter. Occasionally I blog about those tweets. This is one of those occasions. This is Twittering.

WISDOM:

I like this because “I’m not dead yet” is actually a legitimately inspirational message of determination. Then the idea of accidentally burying a person alive is just funny.

STUPID:

“You’ll have to fire me,” said my butt.

REACTION:

I hate it when pseudo-news organizations do a Twitter search and then report the results as if they represent anything significant. Twitter, like humanity, is a cesspool of multifarious wonders. You can find literally anything you want if you look hard enough. If that shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.

REACTION:

This is why grand conspiracy theories are so unlikely. To believe them, you have to simultaneously believe the conspirators are so all-powerful and all-knowing that they can orchestrate such a perfect illusion as to fool the majority of people, yet also so inept that they commit many obvious, telltale errors that can be easily recognized by some yokel on the internet.

STUPID:

My attention to detail is impeccoble.

WISDOM:

Good luck.

WISDOM:

I hope you get it.

WISDOM:

Will they or won’t they? Are they really meant to be? How many seasons can they draw this out? Will my self-hatred demand more money? Will it leave to pursue a movie career? Will it return for a heart-wrenching series finale?

REACTION:

Coffee is the beer of the morning.

STUPID:

Toilet humor.

REACTION:

This is funny because my friends are horrible for lots of reasons.

WORDPLAY:

This is funny because it causes respiratory problems.

WORDPLAY:

This is a pun. I don’t mean you should slaughter your family, as tempting as that may be.

STUPID:

The ol’ switcheroo.

WISDOM:

Technically, this is known as the “freeze” response. When it comes to learned helplessness, I was at the top of my class.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 80

I make jokes on Twitter. Then I blog about them. This is Twittering.

WORDPLAY:

Revenge is a stupid thing.

WORDPLAY:

“Floorward” is a fun thing to say.

REACTION:

I mean this unironically. The fact that she uses mnemonic devices to remember words, but doesn’t think to learn how to spell “mnemonic”? Genius.

STUPID:

The whole “wake up, sheeple” joke has gotten less funny in the age of fake news and conspiracy theorists at the highest levels of government. That said, now more than ever: WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

WISDOM:

I could have said you’re an expert in being a worthless piece of garbage, but that would have been mean. Plus, this is just where I was emotionally when I wrote this tweet.

By the way, I’m pretty sure that rule is just made up.

WORDPLAY:

I write good raps.

REACTION:

This is just f#%king common sense.

WORDPLAY:

Read between the lines.

WISDOM:

The idea that everyone can just do what they love and make a living is pretty ridiculous. I think it’s possible for anyone to love what they do, finding meaning in the work they accomplish, but if everyone just followed their bliss wherever it led them, we’d be f#%ked as a society. There are plenty of necessary jobs that no one dreams of doing when they’re growing up. Things like vomit cleaners and pencil makers and baby seal clubbers. But we need these jobs done, and thank god someone is there to do them.

STUPID:

Confirmation bias is our well documented tendency to unconsciously seek out information that confirms our preexisting beliefs, while ignoring or discounting information that disconfirms them. I’ve mentioned it here on the blog several times, but it bears reexamining every so often because it’s so pernicious. This is a good joke, too.

WISDOM:

This is really a good tip for getting s#%t done. Try it.

WORDPLAY:

This is an obscure riff on the saying “good fences make good neighbors”. I’m pretty sure no one got it.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 79

I make jokes on Twitter. Then I blog about them. This is Twittering.

REACTION:

To be clear: you don’t only use 10% of your brain.

REACTION:

Just kidding. Don’t do what I do. Never do what I do.

WISDOM:

This is an interesting sentiment. It’s not that I (hypothetically) don’t want someone else to be happy; it’s that I don’t want someone else to be happy without me (hypothetically). I have no problem with other people being happy, as long as I’m happy too. The annoying part is when people are happy, but I’m not happy. And of course I mean this all hypothetically. It’s just a joke.

WORDPLAY:

How badass would that be?

WISDOM:

There’s no such thing as karma. Not good karma, anyway. Life isn’t fair. I try to be a good person, sure, because it’s the only way I know how to be. But I’m fooling myself by thinking I’ll get anything out of it.

WISDOM:

Trust me on this one.

WISDOM:

This is a very funny causation/correlation joke. Unfortunately, this tweet also causes autism.

WORDPLAY:

This was just a nice dumb little pun until I discovered that Dura is an actual real genus of moths! So it’s not only funny, but it’s also science!

STUPID:

I like this one because I like insulting people.

STUPID:

I like the idea of peeing to alleviate boredom.

REACTION:

This is just straight-up true.

STUPID:

I like this one.

STUPID:

This is a thing about broken clocks, but it’s also meant to recognize that assholes are right sometimes and nice people can be wrong. The truth is a mysterious thing with poor judgement as far as people go.

STUPID:

This is funny because there is no 88:88 o’clock, not even in military time.

WISDOM:

It really is for the best.

STUPID:

That’s a spicy meatball!

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 78

It’s the return of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. To refresh your memory, this is where I “re-tweet” some of my tweets with additional commentary. Mostly it’s just an excuse to show you the hilarious jokes you might have missed on Twitter.

WISDOM:

Where’s everyone getting all these baskets? Where are all these chickens getting all these eggs?

WISDOM:

Ambition without talent is realty TV.

WISDOM:

Sometimes you will fake it until you die. Other times you’ll be elected President.

STUPID:

Don’t be mad just because a joke is too funny for you to get.

WISDOM:

Everybody needs a hobby.

REACTION:

Sick burn on mom and pops, yo.

REACTION:

I spend a lot of time thinking. And when you have to fill so much thinking time, it can get pretty weird in there. And by “in there”, I mean “in my brain”.

STUPID:

Sick burn on yous, yo.

WORDPLAY:

I’m not afraid to get controversial.

WISDOM:

I am afraid of saying something and then not living up to it. Because then I’ll look like an idiot. I hate looking like an idiot.

POPCORN:

No meta-commentary needed.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

Hello, Again

I’m back. And I’m about due for another edition of Ask Conlan. The questions have been piling up.

Hey, Conlan. Where’ve you been?

Wondering in Wichita, NJ

I’ve been around. I got a real job since we last spoke. Well, not a real job. I’m still a writer, which is pretty fake. But now I’m just a copywriter at a real company, working regular hours and getting health benefits and whatnot. So that’s been taking up a lot of time.

Weren’t you supposed to write a book or something?

Sincerely,
Curious in Curlybeans, KY

No, you’re mistaken.

Oh, wait. You might be thinking of Mostly Lies, the book that was funded by over a hundred of my closest strangers and friends and which I’ve so far failed utterly to write. Yes, I was supposed to write that.

Here’s my problem: crippling self-doubt. Also, the stuff I’ve written for it is crap. Maybe there are some good bits here and there, but overall the impression I get is that it’s crap.

So I’m in a bit of a pickle. I feel guilty about not publishing anything, but also I don’t want to publish crap. That’s one of the reasons why I haven’t blogged in over three years—guilt. And embarrassment. I’ve even cut way back on tweeting. I feel like if I can’t write a book, I can’t write anything. I don’t mean I won’t write anything; I mean I can’t. I’m dried up. I’ve got nothing to say. I’m stuck.

Why are you coming back to blogging now?

D.L. in Jack’s Hole, ME

I want to be unstuck. And a friend of mine once told me that my writing makes the world better, even if only slightly. While that’s certainly debatable, I think it’s at least a worthy goal. So I’m going to try my best.

I may have nothing to say, but—historically—that hasn’t stopped me.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 77

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, and This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WISDOM:

This is a bit of wordplay, but it’s also true, don’t you think? Who doesn’t like to feel superior to others? Who doesn’t love to say “I told you so”? Picking on people is fun because it’s easy. And I don’t know about you, but I love easy stuff. Don’t get me wrong, difficult stuff is necessary too, for things like advancing civilization and stuff like that. But other people can do that, right? You and me, let’s stick to what’s easy. It’s fun!

STUPID:

This is common sense stuff, Alan.

WISDOM:

I’m fascinated by the things we say when we’re saying what we aren’t saying. The next time you want to say this, try this suggested revision: “I am upset by this course of events, but I humbly accept that there is nothing I can do at this time to change them.” Your friends will probably freak out if you say that. It’ll be funny.

STUPID:

But seriously. Wake up, sheeple, Alan.

WISDOM:

F#%king friends and family.

STUPID:

To be fair, I could be a hot dude too.

REACTION:

This isn’t strictly true, but I think it’s a pretty good switcheroo.

WISDOM:

If you’re all three, things are not going to go well for you.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.