This is Conlan

It is time for my departure. Not from here. From here.

Popularity: 60% [?]

Hi there, good-lookin’. I have a few “notes” for you, which I will list in ascending order.

1. I have mobilized this blog. That is to say, if you view it on a “mobile device” you will see an optimized layout, enhanced navigation, and a picture of a unicorn. God speed, little doodle.
2. You may have noticed new little—howdoyousay?—”popularity percentages” at the ends of blog posts. Plus, a “Most Popular Posts” list in the sidebar. It is based on things like pageviews and comments, and is for the benefit of people who want to be popular (i.e., you, loser). Because it is new, the stats aren’t quite as accurate as they’ll become over time. If you want to help scam the system: search for, view, and comment (again) on your favorite posts from the past.

That is all. I will be updating again in the “near” future. I might even express my opinion on something(s). Who knows? It’s a wide, weird world out there (here), y’know? OK, bye¹.

Popularity: 82% [?]

1. OK, but not bye. I have one juicy tidbit especially and exclusively for you, my loyal blog readers: I will be giving up my editorship of The Other Blog (FMB) in the near future. Shh. Don’t tell anyone. OK, bye. [↩]

Welcome to this Special All Wisdom Edition episode of TIT:MCD. This week we’ll be devoting this space exclusively to the wise sayings of the “140-character Socrates”, also known as me. I mean, I’m talking about me. “Me” isn’t the name of someone else I’m talking about. I’m referring to myself. I want to be clear on that. When I say “the 140-character Socrates”, it’s Conlan that I’m talking about (me). Are you following me?¹

OK. Here we go.

WISDOM:

I like my parking spaces like I like my women: within walking distance.

This is just common sense.

WISDOM:

I like my parking spaces like I like my women. I take the bus.

This one is a bit more philosophical.

WISDOM:

The best things in life are free. If you steal them.

A scathing indictment of capitalism?

WISDOM:

Sometimes a good hug is all it takes. To kill someone. If you squeeze hard enough.

Just a little tidbit to keep on file, I’m just sayin’.

WISDOM:

Take a joke.

Seriously. Please. Take it.

WISDOM:

A good thing about no longer being in school: it’s OK to want summer to end. Also: significantly fewer wedgies.

Did you ever think of it that way?

WISDOM:

I wish people would remember how stupid we all are.

OK, pay attention here. This is not just a cynical and accurate observation. I believe this so hard, and I include myself and you. Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you: you are not very smart. You know how you feel about that one social or political issue? And how everyone who disagrees with you must be an imbecile? Guess what? They don’t must be an imbecile. People who are smarter than you, throughout history and today, disagree with you. It’s not as simple as it seems to you. In the end, you may be right and they may be wrong, but it’s not because your reasoning is so obviously superior. You are stupid. We are stupid.² I can’t stress this enough. How about a little humility?

WISDOM:

The best laid plans of mice and men… are a bunch of bullshit.

Anyone who doesn’t recognize this as true must be an idiot.

WISDOM:

Loose lips sink ships; loose libidos fire torpedoes.

The wisest things are also the rhymiest. Think about it.

That concludes this Special Edition episode of “This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest”.

Popularity: 96% [?]

1. Ha, a little Twitter humor for you. [↩]
2. Relatively speaking. [↩]

Commenter frumpy writes to me regarding this line from a previous post: “I wish they’d invent some way to erase stuff on the computer. Anyway.” She says,

I read this yesterday. It continues to pop into my head, making me ‘LOL’ at inappropriate times. I came thiiiiis close to spewing iced tea on my friend. How to explain that? Why-oh-why is this so funny to me? Please answer so I can get on with my life.

Frumpy, I will tell you why this is so funny to you. See, it’s funny because there is a way to delete things on the computer¹. The seeming contradiction of expectations (re: stupidity, et ux.) results in a physiologically pre-programmed response of laughter, which we humans interpret to mean “funny”.

Furthermore, by following the sentence with “Anyway,” I have provided a swift transition to the next thought, subtly implying that, if only I had paused to consider my “deleting” statement for just a moment, I might have realized my error and corrected it. Instead, my pig-bulled-headedness in pressing on illustrates my comical inferiority to you (vis-à-vis “the reader”), thus provoking in you a sense of superiority, which we humans interpret to mean “funny”.

I hope you will now be able to sleep at night. Or during the day, if you are one of those.

Popularity: 100% [?]

1. It’s called “formatting your modem”. [↩]

Well, it’s June and you know what that means. Time for my monthly blog update.

First of all, I was glad that the CA supreme court decision didn’t invalidate my gay marriage. My hope is that, if they ever overturn Roe v. Wade, they won’t invalidate all the previous abortions. I feel like that would upset a lot of women.

But you know I don’t like getting into politics. The government is just too annoying. Let’s talk about cars instead… oh. Shoot.

Well, how about, I’m thinking about buying a new house… uh oh.

You suck!

Ahem. Well, what is there left to talk about if we’re not talking about politics? I guess the only thing left is—

You’re not funny! Get off the stage!

Excuse me, ma’am. Do I come to where you work and knock the briefcase out of your hand?

Boo!

Where are you from?

You suck!

Listen, lady. I’m just trying to make people laugh. Give me a break, OK?

Kit Kat Bar!

You’re drunk.

So are you! You suck!

You know, fifty years ago you would have been strung upside-down with a fork in your ass.

What does that even mean!?

I don’t know. I heard it somewhere.

Get off the stage!

I swear, this is the last time I try out new material in front of you, mom.

Popularity: 100% [?]