This blog is going through some growing pains. I’ve temporarily removed most of the previous years’ posts as part of an ongoing reorganization effort. Stay tuned.
9 Facts About Life in NYC
Several months ago, I moved to New York City for a new job. It was a big change after living most of my life in the sprawling suburban Central Valley of California. As you can imagine, it’s taken some getting used to. I’ve noticed a few particular peculiarities about NYC, and I thought I’d share some of them here.
1. New Yorkers love to honk. Everywhere I go, people in cars are honking. Where I’m from, people usually only honk when there’s a hazard to be aware of. Here, honking is a way of life.
2. People honk more than their car horns. Speaking of honking, I’ve noticed that New Yorkers honk their noses when they’re blowing them. I don’t even know how to make the muted trumpet noise these people make when they blow their noses — right out in public, like it’s no big deal.
3. Public transportation isn’t crowded. This one isn’t a difference so much as a surprise. Where I’m from, I didn’t take public transportation much, but after hearing about the famously crowded NYC subways, I was pleased to discover that I can almost always find a spot to sit down.
4. Personal space is important. Although seats on the subway are plentiful, I have found that I get dirty looks if I sit too close to anyone. In fact, in most public places in NYC, people are very serious about their personal space. Some will even tell me to move away from them if they feel I’m too close — with a healthy dose of New York attitude!
5. Stores are open weird hours. Most of the stores I pass by are always closed during the day, and even at night. I don’t know how they expect to make any money that way. But really, how can anyone make enough money living in NYC?
6. Restaurants are all takeout. With rent prices so high, there aren’t a lot of big restaurants in terms of square footage. Even so, the little restaurants that are here all seem to be exclusively takeout and delivery. It’s like they don’t even want people inside the place.
7. Everyone wears masks. Where I’m from, hardly anyone covered their face in public. But here, nearly everyone is walking around with some kind of cloth, paper, or medical-style mask on. New York is a diverse place, so I’m guessing it’s for religious purposes?
8. Most people stay home. I expected the city to be more bustling than it is. It seems most people elect to just stay home most of the time. (It makes sense, I guess, since all the stores and restaurants are either closed or takeout only.) There are still people out and about, but it’s not at all like the TV shows and movies led me to believe.
9. Way more people have the coronavirus. Last year, when I lived in California, practically no one had COVID-19. But in NYC, thousands of people do. The guidebooks didn’t say anything about that! Only in New York!
It seems there’s a new surprise around every corner, and I’m soaking it in as part of the full New York experience. I imagine I’ll get used to it all over time — except for the nose honking. That’s just weird.
This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 86
Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering. You know the drill.
STUPID:
After I yawn, regardless of where I am or what I’m doing, I always say, “BORING!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 29, 2014
Try it.
REACTION:
I don’t make a very good first-through-seventh impressions.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 9, 2014
But that eighth impression, that’s when I really shine.
WISDOM:
My life is like that old song “Tears on My Pillow”, except instead of tears it’s salsa.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 9, 2014
This tweet is based on actual events.
WISDOM:
It’s obvious that psychics are fake because they never tell you you’re a horrible person.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 12, 2014
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes.
STUPID:
If you could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I recommend pizza. Everyone loves pizza.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 13, 2014
It’s tempting to cook a fancy meal, but you never know which luminaries of the past and present are picky eaters and would prefer the warm, cheesy goodness that no one can resist.
WISDOM:
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, because apparently God is a real condescending dick.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 15, 2014
“Haha, you have hopes and dreams. What a moron!”
WISDOM:
Failure favors the bold.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 21, 2014
You can’t spell failure without T-R-Y.
WISDOM:
The word “mnemonic” is a handy mnemonic to remember that the world makes no sense and you may as well give up because f#%k it all to h#%l.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 23, 2014
“Mnemonic” comes from the Latin mnemonicus from the Greek mnemonikos from mnemon, meaning “mindful”, as in “Do you mind that this spelling is bonkers? I’m sure you don’t, you have bigger problems to worry about.”
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 85
Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.
REACTION:
The real tragedy is that no one is ever going to appreciate all the hilarious, hilarious jokes I write in these unanswered OkCupid messages.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 8, 2014
I hope these women appreciate the gold they’re ignoring. Gold!
REACTION:
The change from “king size” candy bars to “share size” represents a cultural shift from oligarchy to a society where *everybody* is fat.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 2, 2014
I follow candy developments pretty closely, and this is an interesting one. Presumably, companies want to deflect some of their blame for making people fat by suggesting that larger portions are for multiple people. It’s an interesting strategy. Also, this is a good joke.
WISDOM:
When it’s very hot like this, remember to check on your elderly neighbors to make sure they are alive or dead, depending on your preference.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 8, 2014
I think it’s funny to check on someone to make sure their dead, and it’s funny to prefer someone be dead. So this is funny for two reasons (assuming you like dead people).
STUPID:
There should be body hair barbers—a place I could go and get my torso clipped with a #2 for 12 bucks. I guess what I mean is, I’m so lonely.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 9, 2014
Incel? More like inhair!
WISDOM:
Remember: No one can make you feel inferior unless you suck.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 10, 2014
This just makes me laugh. I’m a funny guy.
WISDOM:
I try to live each day like yesterday was my last.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 12, 2014
What would you do if you were already dead? Imagine the freedom. You could do literally anything. I’d probably take a nap.
WISDOM:
It’s tempting to think that every 3-year-old is really cute, but then when you see a *super* cute one you realize the rest are all garbage.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 19, 2014
Sorry, ugly kids, but you know it’s true.
WISDOM:
Creativity is not an ovary; it’s a testicle.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 20, 2014
What I’m saying here is, it’s not a limited resource. Also, maybe something about castration?
WISDOM:
Life makes so much more sense when you’re an idiot.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 28, 2014
It’s simple.
REACTION:
I hope you all got a chance to see this weekend’s supermoon. It won’t happen again in our lifetime, if everything goes according to plan.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 14, 2014
Destroying the moon has been on my to-do list for some time.
WISDOM:
LIFEHACK: Social anxiety is more fun if you think of it as your “spidey sense”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 16, 2014
In reality, it would be an overactive spidey sense that would probably fail to warn you of approaching goblins.
REACTION:
It sucks when you're friends with a married couple who get divorced and you get stuck in between when they crash their cars into each other.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 24, 2014
Divorce is a funny thing.
WISDOM:
I hate teenagers. I think they’re stupid for acting the way they act and thinking the way they think, but not for feeling the way they feel.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 25, 2014
It’s easy to discount young people’s feelings because they are stupid, which they are. But that doesn’t make them less real. And feelings are powerful things. When you get down to it, maybe they’re the only things.
WISDOM:
If you’re accused of murder, a funny thing to say would be, “That’s ridiculous. Some of my best friends are alive!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 3, 2014
This makes sense.
REACTION:
Because of the drought, I've cut way back on showering, doing laundry, and wearing deodorant.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 9, 2014
What I’m saying is, I stink. But this is a joke, so really I only stink in the figurative sense.
REACTION:
Hey, other people with mental problems like mine: Do you guys make up catchy pop tunes you sing to yourself about how much you suck too?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2014
I write the best self-diss tracks in my head. They’re really catchy—lyrics, melody—like I wish I could write that well when I didn’t wish I was dead.
WISDOM:
No; regrets.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 22, 2014
Yes; punctuation.
WORDPLAY:
You need to spend less time at the library and more time at the TRUTHbrary. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 26, 2014
Did you know the library has over 40,000 books about the Earth being round, but only one about the Earth being flat? Why is that? Chem-trails. Look it up. But not at the library. Use the interNOT LIES. Crisis actors are coming to take away your sheep. Deep state. It’s simple.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 84
Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.
WORDPLAY:
A funny thing to say to your bathroom scale when you step on it would be, “Wait, weight. Don’t tell me!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 17, 2014
Let me guess… Does it rhyme with ‘a lot’?
REACTION:
I have a hard time remembering things that happen outside my own head.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 20, 2014
I play out scenarios so often in my imagination that anything that happens in real life has already happened multiple times in my head. It’s easy to confuse the two.
REACTION:
I just used a thesaurus to look up synonyms for “weirdo” to more eloquently berate myself, in case you’re curious about my mental disorders.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 23, 2014
Freak, nut, crank, kook, turtle, crackpot, human, bozo, wonderful dude.
WISDOM:
Never meet your heroes. Especially if your hero is me.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 25, 2014
This could be about how I don’t want to meet people because I am a misanthrope, but actually it’s about you being disappointment by my real-life person.
REACTION:
The Grammys always remind me of my late grandmother because “Grammy” is what we used to call her, and she became irrelevant in the ’90s too.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 27, 2014
This is a sick burn on both the Grammys and my Grammy (who we never actually called “Grammy”).
WISDOM:
We all just want to feel like we're part of something larger than ourselves, and usually that something is really stupid.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 6, 2014
Tribalism is more about the tribe than what the tribe is about.
REACTION:
The great thing about the internet is how easy it is to connect with people who hate you as much as you hate them.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 6, 2014
Comments sections are made for hate.
STUPID:
If only they could inject Botox into your soul.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 9, 2014
This makes no sense.
WORDPLAY:
Why did the monogamous man buy a pair of bedside tables?
Because he didn’t like one nightstands KA-BAM!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 13, 2014
KA-BAM!
WISDOM:
I don’t need a designated day to let people know I love them, because humans are inherently unlovable.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 15, 2014
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate loving the unlovable. That’s what love is.
WISDOM:
“Euphemism” is just a nice way of saying “bullshit”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 17, 2014
I love jokes like this, that are true and also funny and also so very wise.
WISDOM:
Knowledge is power, especially if it’s knowledge about how to crush your enemies.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 21, 2014
I WILL KILL YOU!
WISDOM:
A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. So, no, sorry, I *won't* stop making fart noises every time you try to speak, idiot.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 24, 2014
Again: funny, true, wise.
WISDOM:
They say it’s better to regret things you have done than to regret things you haven’t done. But I say, aim higher: you can regret both.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 4, 2014
I don’t get why inspirational people are such pessimists when it comes to hating yourself.
WORDPLAY:
If you were a delivery person, a funny way to quit your job would be to tell your boss, "I literally can't take it anymore."
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 5, 2014
“It” being the packages she delivers, see.
WISDOM:
Every year, the change to DST results in an estimated 50,000 hours of lost productivity due to people complaining about the change to DST.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 10, 2014
I like Daylight Saving Time.
WISDOM:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, quit being such a dick, dude.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 20, 2014
Fool me three times, I WILL KILL YOU!
REACTION:
I just gave a disabled guy a ride home from the grocery store. I only mention it because karma doesn’t exist, and I want credit.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 29, 2014
I only post this tweet here for the same reason.
WORDPLAY:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, I didn't realize it was so high! I'm too afraid to climb down! Call the fire department!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 29, 2014
Luckily I was able to get down OK, no thanks to you.
STUPID:
I have overdraft protection, so my mouth writes checks my ass can’t cash all the time.
My mouth is all, “Ooh, a $25 fee. Who gives a f#%k?”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 4, 2014
Banking is complicated.
REACTION:
My favorite part of every day is giving up.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 5, 2014
This is not a joke; it is a truth. At the end of the day, when I figuratively can’t take it anymore, I stop, and that is a relief.
WISDOM:
As we get older, the things our parents say seem to get crazier and crazier. Like, “It’s time for you to move out.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 6, 2014
Honor thy father and mother, and you’ll never work a day in thy life.
WISDOM:
Everybody makes mistakes, but never the ones I want them to make.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 9, 2014
It’s better to regret the mistakes you make in my favor than to regret the things you haven’t done.
REACTION:
Kids these days don't know how good they have it. When I was 14, if I wanted to make a terrorist threat, I had to send a letter in the mail!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 13, 2014
This is a sad commentary on the current state of affairs.
REACTION:
I don’t think I’ll ever believe in anything enough to put a bumper sticker on my car.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 18, 2014
No offense to old folks and people who want to coexist, but it just looks tacky.
STUPID:
Good Morning, America! I hope your Today is whatever the CBS morning show is called.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 21, 2014
“I hope your Today is This Morning” would have been funny too, if I had actually known the name of the CBS morning show.
WISDOM:
I wish I had the energy for self-destructive behavior.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 27, 2014
Yeah, man. Who has the energy to, like, find a drug dealer or to party all the time or to do whatever you people do? As for me, I’ll just sit at home and continuously eat ice cream and pizza until my heart gives out.
STUPID:
I just learned, in the UK, “pants” means underwear. Now I know why all those Brits looked at me funny when I told them “I shit my pants.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 29, 2014
Cultural mix-ups are funny.
WORDPLAY:
I hate to admit it, but I keep getting Ukraine mixed up with Turkey. It’s led to some pretty embarrassing moments when I order sandwiches.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 1, 2014
This is just a joke.
REACTION:
I received lower grades in more than one college class because of instructors who didn’t understand how comedy works.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 2, 2014
This is true. One: In a speech class, I started two speeches with similar jokes and got marked down because each speech should stand alone. But each speech did stand alone with the individual joke as it was. The fact that the second was a callback was just a bonus for people who were paying attention. Two: I gave a speech where I acted like I didn’t care what I was saying. It was one of my final assignments in college, and the speech was about how I regretted not working harder in school. It was very meta. My instructor later told me it seemed like I didn’t take the assignment seriously. No doy.
WISDOM:
You catch more flies with honey than with being a f#%king asshole.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 2, 2014
If you’re into catching flies. I just swat them, personally.
WORDPLAY:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I’m pretty incredulous by nature.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 3, 2014
I can’t believe more people didn’t get this joke. Just kidding, I can believe it; I’m not that incredulous.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 83
I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.
STUPID:
When I see the cookies for Santa on Xmas Eve, I always wonder what the right age is to tell kids there’s no such thing as human kindness.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 25, 2013
You’re better off doing it early. You don’t want them to find out about it on the school playground.
WORDPLAY:
A good slogan for a contraceptive company would be “No kidding.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 27, 2013
Or “More nookies, less cookies (for Santa Claus, because you don’t have kids to lie to).”
STUPID:
I love you, but I’m not *in* Love County, Oklahoma with you. Long-distance relationships never work.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 3, 2014
Love County is a real place. I don’t know the stats on its contraceptive use.
WIDSOM:
If you have painfully low self-esteem, look on the bright side: at least you think you deserve it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 5, 2014
Sad, but true. Or maybe it isn’t true. I don’t know. I can’t do anything right.
WISDOM:
I wish our justice system didn’t waste so much time and money prosecuting victimless crimes, like murdering assholes.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 7, 2014
This is just a joke. Don’t murder anyone, even assholes.
WISDOM:
Actions speak louder than words, but how many words? If it’s less than a thousand, I’ll probably still just take a picture instead.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 8, 2014
It’ll last longer too.
WORDPLAY:
Donuts are technically legumes.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 11, 2014
This is a very good joke.
RAP:
Nose’s plugged like a thug who’s under attack.
Spreadin’ VapoRub like moustache wax.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 14, 2014
Camphor and menthol: those are the drug facts.
Sudafed to clear my head, and try to relax.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 14, 2014
This rap uses Beastie Boys-style phrasing, and I don’t think it translates well to the written word.
STUPID:
Eskimos have over 200 words for “please don’t call me that; it’s disrespectful”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 15, 2014
That’s s’no way to talk to an Inuit.
(Snow.)
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.