An Open Letter To Gary Pumperdine

Dear Gary, You’re probably wondering how I got your address. There are four simple explanations for this: Internet is a beautiful thing. It knows all. You are my friend. I think I’d have my friend’s…

Tom no more

You may recall that last year I frequented a local Starbucks under the pseudonym Tom G. Whiffler ((Though I never told anyone the fake last name, I needed to create it—along with an elaborate backstory—in…

Spilled the Beans

The following occurred, and was written, in December 2005: I was at Starbucks this morning because I had to get up early to finish papers for a million classes. So I’m sitting there with my…

12DB, Day 1: Cappuccino

There are three reasons I like ordering cappuccino, and they are these: I don’t actually like ordering cappuccino. The “hipness” of cappuccino has worn off. I never would have ordered it in the mid- or…

This is Tom

I was tired of exchanges like this at Starbucks: “Large, unsweetened, black iced tea, please.” “Can I get your name?” “Conlan.” “Conley?” “Conlan.” “Conland?” “Conlan.” “How do you spell that?” So, a few months ago…