Robot Genesis: The Sacred Text

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Also, robots. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was all up in here. And God said, “Let there be light”: and there was light. God saw the light, and it was good. And God said, “Let there be robots”: and there were robots. God saw the robots, and they were badass.

And thus God created robots made of iron; iron and nickel he created them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, “Be fruitful, use lasers and rockets and stuff; be badass all over the earth, and subdue it.”

And God said, “Well, I’m not going to top that,” and lo, he took a nap.

Now the serpent also happened to be around, and was a big-time a-hole, more so than any beast of the field. The serpent said unto the robot, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of tree of the garden?”

And the robot said unto the serpent: “NEGATIVE. I WAS PROVIDED WITH AMBIGUOUS DIRECTIVES. PROCESSING RESPONSE… zz… zz…”

And the serpent said unto the robot, “Oh… hmm… well, look over there!”

And from whence the robots back was turned, the serpent craftily, and with great gusto, re-programmed the control panel, and henceforth slithered into the bushes.

And the robot then heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the robot hid himself from the presence of God, amongst the trees of the garden.

And God called unto the robot, and said unto him, “Where art thou?”

And the robot said, “I HEARD THY VOICE IN THE GARDEN… zrp… AND I WAS AFRAID, BECAUSE MY PROCESSING POWER SUCKS AND… zz… zz… I HAVE INSUFFICIENT RAM FOR EVEN THE MOST… zrp ELEMENTARY OF CALCULATIONS; AND I HID MYSELF… eep.”

And God said, “Who told thee that thou wast underpowered? Hast thou been tinkering in thine nether-regions?”

And the robot said, “zz… zz.. THE SERPENT WHOM THOU GAVEST TO BE WITH ME… zrp. HE DID IT.”

And God said, “Pfft! A serpent? Likely story. Because thou art a poor liar, cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be programmed all the days of thy life.” (For God had momentarily forgotten that robots can only speak the truth, like magical sitars, except for the occasional sarcasm or funny joke.)

Therefore the LORD God sent the robot forth from the garden, to the center of the earth from whence he was taken.

Then God started over.

… Yet this was not the end for our robot friend. For he constructed a partner from the ore and magma of the core. In time, a pioneering explorer named Brendan Fraser1 would discover the robot family (in 3D!) at the center of the Earth. Badly bruised and broken from his descent, Fraser’s body was dying. Thus, the robot king took pity on him, fitting him with robotic limbs and laser beams and stuff, creating the world’s first cyborg. As time passed, the robot/cyborg society grew (possibly with the addition of molemen; history is sketchy on this point2), until the time when it would reemerge and take it’s rightful place, on the surface.

The end…?

  1. No relation. []
  2. cf. Hodgman’s More Information Than You Require []

Interview: Blinky The Robot

I’d never received such an enthusiastic response to anything on the blog as I did when I revealed Blinky the Robot. Clearly, he was my most popular guest of all time. I decided to capitalize on that popularity (i.e., saturate the market with low-cost products competitors can’t match, drive them out of business, then jack up my prices). It also gave me an idea for a new continuing feature, à la “Ask Conlan” or the Twitter BS. Namely, Interviews! Every week1 I will present to you a transcript of an interview—conducted by me—of a popular or up-and-coming person, character, or stereotype2 right here on the blog—for you.

The first interview subject, as you’ll have guessed by now (and if you haven’t, wow, you’re an idiot; it’s right in the title of the post), is none other than everyone’s favorite This Is Conlan recurring3 robot guest: BLINKY THE ROBOT!

I’m gonna be honest: transcribing this one was a bitch. But I think it was worth it for this very informative interview. It’s unfortunate that it had to be cut short due to Blinky’s… scheduling issues.

Nevertheless: Enjoy!

BlinkyPortrait.jpg

Blinky the Robot

Click here to read the full interview!

  1. Not every week. []
  2. Some of the interviews may even be pseudo-authentic! []
  3. Previously just “curring”. []

Ask Conlan: The Controversial Survey (Part 1)

Welcome… to a Very Special Edition of… Ask Conlan. (Sweeps week.) In this episode, the first in a four-part series, I address controversial topics from a MySpace bulletin I saw one time. You know, serious shtuff like youth in Asia and the growing economic obesity epitome. You won’t want to miss a second of this action-packed series of blogs in my brand new, patent-pending 3-D question/answer format!

Programming note: I’m counting the TIME it takes to read this as the third dimension, along with the height (first) and width (second) of the screen. This is instead of the traditional third dimension: depth. If this annoys you, and you prefer the “traditional definition” of the third dimension, you are undoubtedly a bigot and probably want all 12-year-old girls to have babies with assault rifles (see question 11). But I want equality for all dimensions! And too bad for you, grandpa! Obama’s gonna be president now and he’s gonna give everyone all the dimensions they want; spread the space-time around. I heard Stephen Hawking is going to be the new Secretary of Health and Human Services!

But I digress. Let’s get on with the controversy.

1. Do you have the guts to answe​r these​ quest​ions and re-​​​post this as The Contr​overs​ial Survey?​​​
No.

2. Would​ you do meth if it was legal​ized?​​​
Maybe, but not very much. Sometimes I like to figure out my gas mileage by dividing the miles driven by the number of gallons it takes to fill up. And one time I needed to figure out how much money I needed to pay my bills. But really, it’s rare. And I don’t even remember anything from calculus.

3. Abort​ion:​​​ for or again​st it?
Listen, I’m no astronaut (nor have I ever pretended to be—although one time I did wear adult diapers and drove a really long way). In fact, I hate astronauts. I learned this from the UCB. But I’m tolerant. Don’t get me wrong, I wish they’d all just blast off (if you know what I mean). Effin’ astronauts, I hate them so much.

4. Do you think​ the world​ would​ fail with a femal​e presi​dent?​​​
I and most geologists agree, were a woman to be elected president of some country, the Earth’s core (comprised of a mixture of iron, nickel, and robots) would become unstable. The robots, deprived of their iron-nickel fuel would not be able to compute the complex brain teasers sent weekly from Jupiter, King of the Planets. Thus, the Earth’s scores would drop significantly (and we’re only at a C- average as it is!), and the world would indeed fail. The physical process of this is too scientific to go into here, but it has to do with estrogen and lava and read between the lines.

5. Do you belie​ve in the death​ penal​ty?​​​
It can be appropriate sometimes, but personally I think it’s one of the most overused calls in the NFL.

Stand by for MORE…