Advance Praise for Mostly Lies

You all know that I think I’m great,1 so of course I’m going to tell you that Mostly Lies is gonna be great too. But you can’t believe me — I’m an unreliable narrator (did you even read the title?). Luckily, you don’t have to take my word for it.

Check out these 100%-real critics’ blurbs about Mostly Lies I received FROM THE FUTURE. They were sent to me through a time-traveling wormhole2 from an unspecified date in the not-too-distant future. Here’s what critics will be saying:

“No one captures the heartbreaking ecstasy of everyday life quite like Conlan can. Mostly Lies is a stirring, poignant, and often hilarious look at the foibles and peccadillos of modern society, filtered through a lens of farts.” — William Safire, TMZ

“When I heard that Conlan was writing a book, I was like, ‘Who’s Conlan?’ I still don’t know.” — Jay Leno’s mechanic

“Did he steal this idea from me?” — Michael Showalter

Mostly Lies was the first book I read after my cryogenically frozen head was thawed. Let me tell you this: scientists may have finally cured all diseases, but — as long as Conlan is around — one thing they’ll never cure is laughter.” — Walt Disney

“I’d like to dedicate my Nobel Prize in the field of Curing All Diseases to my inspiration, Conlan Spangler. His book Mostly Lies is what gave me the determination to keep pursuing my research, even when everyone told me that synthesizing a super-drug from the spliced DNA of reanimated dinosaurs was a bad idea.” — Dr. Guybert Fieri

“As the mutant pterodactyl tore my parents’ bodies apart, with their dying gasps they told me (via Skype): ‘Our biggest regret,’ they said — the black haze of nuclear winter cresting the horizon — “is not supporting Mostly Lies when we had the chance.” — YOUR (FUTURE) CHILD???

As you can see, the critical acclaim will be umamious. Don’t worry though; I promise I won’t let it change me. I’ll always remember those most important little people who helped me get my start by backing Mostly Lies on Kickstarter.

And what about those little people who didn’t help? I will dedicate all my resources and the rest of my life to crushing them — emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Those who are devoured by the dinosaurs will be the lucky ones.

Remember, everybody: The future is what you make of it.

  1. And also very, very awful. []
  2. I.e., a hole dug by a time-traveling worm. []

Ask Conlan: Full Disclosure

It’s time again for Ask Conlan, the segment in which I take questions from readers. You can ask me literally anything, no topic off-limits, even questions that don’t make sense. I am here for you. This week1 our first question comes from one C.B. McDougal.

Mr/s. McDonald writes:

Dear Conlan,

How are you?

Sincerely,
C.B. McDonnely

Wow. Just… wow. Who do you think you are? Who THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! I can’t even fathom what would make you ask a question like that. I… I can’t even look at you right now. Just leave. I SAID LEAVE!! GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!

Phew. I apologize, folks. Some people have no sense of decorum, and occasionally it riles me a little bit. I’m sorry for the outburst (although I’m sure you can understand, under the circumstances).

Let’s move on.

Next question:

Hi, Conlan. My name is Manuel. I live in another country. Here in my country we do not have many wonderful things. I use my meager income to “surf” the internet at a local internet restaurant and request money transfers from kind people. (I am a prince and/or high-ranking government official.) What I’m trying to say is: Is time travel possible?

Nice try, Floyd. But the answer is, uncategorically, yes (with an “if”) and no (with a “but”)2. You see, time—like space—is indeed relative. Einstein demonstrated this through a series of experiments involving sticking out his tongue and blinking. Because it is relative, the faster an object moves, the slower time moves for it in relation to everything around it.

For instance, if a theoretical rocketship were to take off from the Earth at near the speed of light and travel to the nearest googolsphere, then immediately turn around and come back, the occupants of the rocketship would have experienced the time aboard as six years. However, the time on the Earth would have proceeded so that those remaining on the Earth would not witness the return of the rocketship for close to 60 years (Earth time)! The measurements may not be precise, but the idea is sound.3 So you see, time travel to the future is possible in this sense (however, technological restraints at this time make it unfeasible).

But suppose you wanted to travel back in time. Is that possible? Good question. The answer to that is, “Duh” and “Maybe”. In this case what you would need is a flux capacitor. But these do not exist (despite elitist Hollywood liberal claims to the contrary). What to do then? What to do…

Haven’t you been paying attention, stupid? Go into the future to get a flux capacitor after they are invented, then you can go anywhere you want! I mean, anywhen!

Easy as pie.4 Perhaps you are asking now, if time travel to the past may one day be possible, why are we not overrun by time tourists from the future, as they must be traveling the hell out of time, all the time? Is that even a question? The answer is obvious, again. Because now is boring. Why would anyone come here? The mere fact that you asked about time travel implies that now is boring and you want to go elsewhen. So why would you be so Hollywood elitist to assume that future generations would want to come now when they could go then? Do you see now? Wow, you’re dense (like time).

Anyway, at least my smart readers will understand my point, even if Floyd/Manuel doesn’t.

That’s all for now.

  1. Not a scientific unit of measurement. []
  2. Apologies to the good writers on the Simpsons, all of whom left years ago. []
  3. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. []
  4. Full disclosure: I don’t know how to make pie. []

12DB, Day 8: Time Travel is possible!

For blogs at least.

To whom it may concern: A few moments ago I became the first1 blogger to successfully traverse time and space (cf. Einstein) and send a blog post into the future! As you can see below, my Day 6 blog post has appeared, unharmed, a full 48 hours after its creation.

This is truly a proud day for all humanity—especially that subset of humanity that is me.

I’d like to thank my toilet paper for making this possible.

  1. Probably not the first. But probably the first named Conlan. []

12DB, Day 6: Time Travel Test

This is a test of my experimental time travel blogging application. The time is recorded as 2:35pm, Tuesday, January 6. If this works, I will have sent the first successful time traveling blog post in history.

It all happened when I was trying to hang a picture of one of those Italian “little boy peeing” fountains above my toilet. I was balancing with one foot on the toilet and one on the toilet paper holder. Unfortunately (or fortunately in this case!), the toilet paper was not my usual double-ply quilted triple roll1 and the holder broke and I feel, hitting my head on the magazine rack. I was unconscious for maybe 4 or 5 minutes. When I awoke, I had a vision. A vision of the Facilitative Anachronical Kinetic Energifier (or, the FATE, to the les scientifically inclined). This is what makes blog time travel possible.

If all goes according to plan, this post will arrive in exactly 48 hours, at 2:35pm, Thursday, January 8.

See you on the other side.

  1. It was just double-ply standard. []