You all know that I think I’m great,1 so of course I’m going to tell you that Mostly Lies is gonna be great too. But you can’t believe me — I’m an unreliable narrator (did you even read the title?). Luckily, you don’t have to take my word for it.
Check out these 100%-real critics’ blurbs about Mostly Lies I received FROM THE FUTURE. They were sent to me through a time-traveling wormhole2 from an unspecified date in the not-too-distant future. Here’s what critics will be saying:
“No one captures the heartbreaking ecstasy of everyday life quite like Conlan can. Mostly Lies is a stirring, poignant, and often hilarious look at the foibles and peccadillos of modern society, filtered through a lens of farts.” — William Safire, TMZ
“When I heard that Conlan was writing a book, I was like, ‘Who’s Conlan?’ I still don’t know.” — Jay Leno’s mechanic
“Did he steal this idea from me?” — Michael Showalter
“Mostly Lies was the first book I read after my cryogenically frozen head was thawed. Let me tell you this: scientists may have finally cured all diseases, but — as long as Conlan is around — one thing they’ll never cure is laughter.” — Walt Disney
“I’d like to dedicate my Nobel Prize in the field of Curing All Diseases to my inspiration, Conlan Spangler. His book Mostly Lies is what gave me the determination to keep pursuing my research, even when everyone told me that synthesizing a super-drug from the spliced DNA of reanimated dinosaurs was a bad idea.” — Dr. Guybert Fieri
“As the mutant pterodactyl tore my parents’ bodies apart, with their dying gasps they told me (via Skype): ‘Our biggest regret,’ they said — the black haze of nuclear winter cresting the horizon — “is not supporting Mostly Lies when we had the chance.” — YOUR (FUTURE) CHILD???
As you can see, the critical acclaim will be umamious. Don’t worry though; I promise I won’t let it change me. I’ll always remember those most important little people who helped me get my start by backing Mostly Lies on Kickstarter.
And what about those little people who didn’t help? I will dedicate all my resources and the rest of my life to crushing them — emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Those who are devoured by the dinosaurs will be the lucky ones.
Remember, everybody: The future is what you make of it.