This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 85

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.

REACTION:

I hope these women appreciate the gold they’re ignoring. Gold!

REACTION:

I follow candy developments pretty closely, and this is an interesting one. Presumably, companies want to deflect some of their blame for making people fat by suggesting that larger portions are for multiple people. It’s an interesting strategy. Also, this is a good joke.

WISDOM:

I think it’s funny to check on someone to make sure their dead, and it’s funny to prefer someone be dead. So this is funny for two reasons (assuming you like dead people).

STUPID:

Incel? More like inhair!

WISDOM:

This just makes me laugh. I’m a funny guy.

WISDOM:

What would you do if you were already dead? Imagine the freedom. You could do literally anything. I’d probably take a nap.

WISDOM:

Sorry, ugly kids, but you know it’s true.

WISDOM:

What I’m saying here is, it’s not a limited resource. Also, maybe something about castration?

WISDOM:

It’s simple.

REACTION:

Destroying the moon has been on my to-do list for some time.

WISDOM:

In reality, it would be an overactive spidey sense that would probably fail to warn you of approaching goblins.

REACTION:

Divorce is a funny thing.

WISDOM:

It’s easy to discount young people’s feelings because they are stupid, which they are. But that doesn’t make them less real. And feelings are powerful things. When you get down to it, maybe they’re the only things.

WISDOM:

This makes sense.

REACTION:

What I’m saying is, I stink. But this is a joke, so really I only stink in the figurative sense.

REACTION:

I write the best self-diss tracks in my head. They’re really catchy—lyrics, melody—like I wish I could write that well when I didn’t wish I was dead.

WISDOM:

Yes; punctuation.

WORDPLAY:

Did you know the library has over 40,000 books about the Earth being round, but only one about the Earth being flat? Why is that? Chem-trails. Look it up. But not at the library. Use the interNOT LIES. Crisis actors are coming to take away your sheep. Deep state. It’s simple.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 84

Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.

WORDPLAY:

Let me guess… Does it rhyme with ‘a lot’?

REACTION:

I play out scenarios so often in my imagination that anything that happens in real life has already happened multiple times in my head. It’s easy to confuse the two.

REACTION:

Freak, nut, crank, kook, turtle, crackpot, human, bozo, wonderful dude.

WISDOM:

This could be about how I don’t want to meet people because I am a misanthrope, but actually it’s about you being disappointment by my real-life person.

REACTION:

This is a sick burn on both the Grammys and my Grammy (who we never actually called “Grammy”).

WISDOM:

Tribalism is more about the tribe than what the tribe is about.

REACTION:

Comments sections are made for hate.

STUPID:

This makes no sense.

WORDPLAY:

KA-BAM!

WISDOM:

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate loving the unlovable. That’s what love is.

WISDOM:

I love jokes like this, that are true and also funny and also so very wise.

WISDOM:

I WILL KILL YOU!

WISDOM:

Again: funny, true, wise.

WISDOM:

I don’t get why inspirational people are such pessimists when it comes to hating yourself.

WORDPLAY:

“It” being the packages she delivers, see.

WISDOM:

I like Daylight Saving Time.

WISDOM:

Fool me three times, I WILL KILL YOU!

REACTION:

I only post this tweet here for the same reason.

WORDPLAY:

Luckily I was able to get down OK, no thanks to you.

STUPID:

Banking is complicated.

REACTION:

This is not a joke; it is a truth. At the end of the day, when I figuratively can’t take it anymore, I stop, and that is a relief.

WISDOM:

Honor thy father and mother, and you’ll never work a day in thy life.

WISDOM:

It’s better to regret the mistakes you make in my favor than to regret the things you haven’t done.

REACTION:

This is a sad commentary on the current state of affairs.

REACTION:

No offense to old folks and people who want to coexist, but it just looks tacky.

STUPID:

“I hope your Today is This Morning” would have been funny too, if I had actually known the name of the CBS morning show.

WISDOM:

Yeah, man. Who has the energy to, like, find a drug dealer or to party all the time or to do whatever you people do? As for me, I’ll just sit at home and continuously eat ice cream and pizza until my heart gives out.

STUPID:

Cultural mix-ups are funny.

WORDPLAY:

This is just a joke.

REACTION:

This is true. One: In a speech class, I started two speeches with similar jokes and got marked down because each speech should stand alone. But each speech did stand alone with the individual joke as it was. The fact that the second was a callback was just a bonus for people who were paying attention. Two: I gave a speech where I acted like I didn’t care what I was saying. It was one of my final assignments in college, and the speech was about how I regretted not working harder in school. It was very meta. My instructor later told me it seemed like I didn’t take the assignment seriously. No doy.

WISDOM:

If you’re into catching flies. I just swat them, personally.

WORDPLAY:

I can’t believe more people didn’t get this joke. Just kidding, I can believe it; I’m not that incredulous.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 83

I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.

STUPID:

You’re better off doing it early. You don’t want them to find out about it on the school playground.

WORDPLAY:

Or “More nookies, less cookies (for Santa Claus, because you don’t have kids to lie to).”

STUPID:

Love County is a real place. I don’t know the stats on its contraceptive use.

WIDSOM:

Sad, but true. Or maybe it isn’t true. I don’t know. I can’t do anything right.

WISDOM:

This is just a joke. Don’t murder anyone, even assholes.

WISDOM:

It’ll last longer too.

WORDPLAY:

This is a very good joke.

RAP:

This rap uses Beastie Boys-style phrasing, and I don’t think it translates well to the written word.

STUPID:

That’s s’no way to talk to an Inuit.

(Snow.)

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 82

I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.

STUPID:

There’s no such thing as a stupid tweet.

WISDOM:

Even you. Maybe especially you.

STUPID:

I like this because it doesn’t make sense.

STUPID:

The conversation every parent dreads: Who are you?

STUPID:

This is funny because it’s true.

WORDPLAY:

And by “learned sign language” I mean I flip people off a lot.

STUPID:

We’re all like heroin addicts in some ways. Especially if we’re addicted to heroin.

REACTION:

It was a simpler time.

WORDPLAY:

If you don’t know how to pronounce bon mot, you won’t understand these jokes.

WISDOM:

I don’t know why people are so dumb.

WORDPLAY:

This is one of my favorites. You should retweet it.

WORDPLAY:

This is another good one. I was on a roll (bike joke).

WISDOM:

Sometimes what you really need is someone to tell you to quit being such a stupid asshole.

WORDPLAY:

If you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand this joke. Actually, if you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand any of my jokes.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 81

Occasionally I tweet on Twitter. Occasionally I blog about those tweets. This is one of those occasions. This is Twittering.

WISDOM:

I like this because “I’m not dead yet” is actually a legitimately inspirational message of determination. Then the idea of accidentally burying a person alive is just funny.

STUPID:

“You’ll have to fire me,” said my butt.

REACTION:

I hate it when pseudo-news organizations do a Twitter search and then report the results as if they represent anything significant. Twitter, like humanity, is a cesspool of multifarious wonders. You can find literally anything you want if you look hard enough. If that shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.

REACTION:

This is why grand conspiracy theories are so unlikely. To believe them, you have to simultaneously believe the conspirators are so all-powerful and all-knowing that they can orchestrate such a perfect illusion as to fool the majority of people, yet also so inept that they commit many obvious, telltale errors that can be easily recognized by some yokel on the internet.

STUPID:

My attention to detail is impeccoble.

WISDOM:

Good luck.

WISDOM:

I hope you get it.

WISDOM:

Will they or won’t they? Are they really meant to be? How many seasons can they draw this out? Will my self-hatred demand more money? Will it leave to pursue a movie career? Will it return for a heart-wrenching series finale?

REACTION:

Coffee is the beer of the morning.

STUPID:

Toilet humor.

REACTION:

This is funny because my friends are horrible for lots of reasons.

WORDPLAY:

This is funny because it causes respiratory problems.

WORDPLAY:

This is a pun. I don’t mean you should slaughter your family, as tempting as that may be.

STUPID:

The ol’ switcheroo.

WISDOM:

Technically, this is known as the “freeze” response. When it comes to learned helplessness, I was at the top of my class.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 80

I make jokes on Twitter. Then I blog about them. This is Twittering.

WORDPLAY:

Revenge is a stupid thing.

WORDPLAY:

“Floorward” is a fun thing to say.

REACTION:

I mean this unironically. The fact that she uses mnemonic devices to remember words, but doesn’t think to learn how to spell “mnemonic”? Genius.

STUPID:

The whole “wake up, sheeple” joke has gotten less funny in the age of fake news and conspiracy theorists at the highest levels of government. That said, now more than ever: WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

WISDOM:

I could have said you’re an expert in being a worthless piece of garbage, but that would have been mean. Plus, this is just where I was emotionally when I wrote this tweet.

By the way, I’m pretty sure that rule is just made up.

WORDPLAY:

I write good raps.

REACTION:

This is just f#%king common sense.

WORDPLAY:

Read between the lines.

WISDOM:

The idea that everyone can just do what they love and make a living is pretty ridiculous. I think it’s possible for anyone to love what they do, finding meaning in the work they accomplish, but if everyone just followed their bliss wherever it led them, we’d be f#%ked as a society. There are plenty of necessary jobs that no one dreams of doing when they’re growing up. Things like vomit cleaners and pencil makers and baby seal clubbers. But we need these jobs done, and thank god someone is there to do them.

STUPID:

Confirmation bias is our well documented tendency to unconsciously seek out information that confirms our preexisting beliefs, while ignoring or discounting information that disconfirms them. I’ve mentioned it here on the blog several times, but it bears reexamining every so often because it’s so pernicious. This is a good joke, too.

WISDOM:

This is really a good tip for getting s#%t done. Try it.

WORDPLAY:

This is an obscure riff on the saying “good fences make good neighbors”. I’m pretty sure no one got it.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.