This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 19

Welcome to another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest. It’s the only place where you’ll learn the story Behind the Toots. Which, now that I think about it, would’ve been a better name for this whole series. Live and learn, I guess. Let’s go:

REACTION:

I love the holiday season. It really makes me thankful to be dead. #thingsiwillsaywheniamdead

I’m amused by the idea of liking something because you don’t have to do it (which is not the same as being happy that you don’t have to do something).

REACTION:

The only thing more fun than destroying someone is watching them destroy themselves.

And mini-golf.

This is just a joke. I don’t really think mini-golf is fun.

REACTION:

I don’t like teenagers, ages 13 to 57.

Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

WISDOM:

The bad news is, your life sucks. The good news is, you deserve it.

This is almost universally true.

WORDPLAY:

Stereotypes are all the same.

This is one of the best things I’ve ever said.

REACTION:

It seems like some people keep making the same mistakes over an dover.

…and…

Whoops! I mean: It seems like some people keep making the same mistakes over an dover.

Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

WORDPLAY:

Human trafficking is a serious problem. Especially during rush hour.

This is either a joke about driving, which would be funny, or a joke about the very real problem of human trafficking, which would be offensive. I’ll let you decide.

Also: it’s about human trafficking.

WORDPLAY:

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person has asked me for change, I’d probably give it to them.

Oh, boy. This one is classic Conlan.

The first person who ever said the “if I had a nickel/dime/dollar” thing was pretty clever. Right up there with the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” guy. I’m serious.

STUPID:

From now on, I’m only going to date women with Ph.D’s.

(bra size)

This was actually a reaction to all the stupid chicks I’ve met, but any joke about breasts is automatically stupid.

REACTION:

Sometimes I wonder what the world smelled like 50 years ago. I bet bad.

I was thinking about this. With all the advancements we’ve made, as a society, in the area of not stinking (e.g., deodorant, Febreeze, antibacterial soaps, the decline of indoor smoking), you’d think our world would smell great. But it still stinks a lot of the time. So I shudder to think what it smelled like before all that stuff.

Speaking of smelling…

WISDOM:

The smell of fresh paint is the smell of progress.

And sometimes, when I’m feeling sad, I like to sniff progress out of a paper bag.

This is a combination of two things. First, huffing paint is funny.1 I was reminded of this by the great Andrew Daly’s comedy album, Nine Sweaters (track 5). Then one day I was walking by a new building in a revitalizing part of town. I smelled the fresh paint smell and I really thought that it smelled like “progress” (because that is how I really think). Then the punchline came to me in a flash of brilliance.

WISDOM:

“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss douche bags.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt, pretty much

She was one classy broad.

Also: Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

REACTION:

Cockroaches aren’t so bad, really, once you get to know them.

See, you think I’m going to say that having a cockroach situation isn’t that bad, but then I go and act like the cockroaches are people with personalities.

REACTION:

People tell me that I sometimes come off as abrasive, that I seem like I don’t like people. It’s not intentional. It’s just that fuck you.

The word “fuck” isn’t really part of my personal brand, but in this case it was the right word for the job. The fact that I don’t say it very often makes it even righter.

WISDOM:

Y’know, people we think of as “stupid” are really only guilty of repeatedly making bad decisions based on an extreme lack of intelligence.

…and…

…So, if you think of it like that, it takes longer to think of it.

See, you think I’m going to say they aren’t actually stupid, but then I go and say that they really are stupid, but I just say it using more words.

WISDOM:

My humor isn’t for everyone. It’s not for idiots. If you’re an idiot, you won’t like it.

Keep this in mind.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

  1. In the way that racism is funny. []

This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 15

It’s time for another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WORDPLAY:

I think my dog is in heat. Luckily, it’s a dry heat. #idontreallyhaveadog

Obviously.

REACTION:

Erectile dysfunction commercials make me long for a time when impotence was so shameful a condition that we dare not speak its euphemisms.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

My skills: verb conjugation, competitive sweating, keeping my software up to date. My deficiencies: everything else. Goodnight.

Obviously.

STUPID:

I need coffee like a snapping turtle needs fingers (for snapping). Yes, I need coffee for snapping… Listen, just get off my case, OK?!

Nothing.

REACTION:

Um, football, football touchdown interception. Teams and football things. Tackle. Winning and stuff. Football.

Seriously, shut up already.

WORDPLAY:

Twitter is textual intercourse.

Obviously.

WISDOM:

People are dumb. It’s what separates us from the animals.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

At least no one can accuse me of being unprincipled. #thingsassholessaytomakethemselvesfeelbetter

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I love music more than you love your mother.

Obviously.

STUPID:

Whenever a window pops up on my computer screen asking, “Are you sure you want to quit?” I spend the next 20 minutes mired in self-doubt.

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I enjoy subverting expectations.

Nothing brings me joy quite like someone thinking they know something, but in fact not knowing anything.

REACTION:

I am very wise: The only reason anyone’s single is because they’re too picky. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be; I’m just sayin’.

This was in reaction to someone else’s toot that was along the lines of, “Another reason I’m single: I like to wear ugly socks to bed.” This was tooted by some hot chick somewhere. This always annoys me, even though it’s not meant to be taken seriously, because (1) I hate it when attractive people complain about being single like there aren’t a baker’s dozen a-holes in their phonebook right now that would go out with them if given the chance, and (2) it’s dumb. There are probably legitimate reasons that certain people wouldn’t want to date you—like you’re a nagging bitch or you’ve cheated on every one of your last seven girlfriends—but your little quirks (which you apparently think are somehow cute because you won’t shut up about them) are not the reasons. The fact is, if “being single” was the only issue for you, you could probably solve it fairly easily. But no, you want someone good, so quit your bitching and own up to it.

Stuff like this must be why I’m still single.

WISDOM:

Quadruple amputees are people too. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me.

I was hoping that this, in additional to being super funny, would offend people. I didn’t get any reaction, but I’m confident that someone out there thinks I’m a baker’s dozen a-hole because of it. Anyway, the cool thing is, it’s not a joke about people without legs (those greasy, drunken freaks!); it’s a joke about idioms.

REACTION:

My car is making awful noises. I’ve been putting it off, but I think it may finally be time to invest in some earplugs.

Seriously, shut up already.

WISDOM:

One of my guiding principles of life: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. (You ask stupid questions.)

Obviously.

WORDPLAY:

Artificial art official.

Nothing.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest (now I’m caught up on the backlog).

Teaser #3

Ooh, we’re in the final countdown now (cue music).

Here is a fun story with a hidden teaser message:

Last night I ate dinner at Joe’s Steakhouse. Darn good, by the way. I got the french dip. Oh, so tender you’d think you were eating some kind of animal’s flesh! Delicious! Really, really good. Recommended!

Anyway, our server1 was a nice young woman by the name of I didn’t catch her name. But I think my point was that I was being very funny that night, and when I’m very funny, it’s nice to get the right amount of appreciation. No one knows how much is the right amount except for me and I can’t explain it. Still, I’ll try. Because you see, she had the right amount of appreciation.

For example, my friend Antilabs had told me the onion rings were good there, so when I ordered my sandwich, I asked for onion rings as the side dish2.

I said something like, “Would it be possible to get that with onion rings?… I’ve heard great things…”

Then she said, “About the onion rings?”

And I said, “No, I just mean I’ve heard great things …”

Then came the cool part. She just sort of acknowledged my comment with a smile and asked the next person what he wanted to order. It was so cool. (Everyone else at the table laughed, of course, because they know good comedy when they hear it.)

The reason this chick’s response was so perfect is because of its understatedness. The other options were for her to be confused (which would be understandable) and say “huh?” and look to my companions for an explanation of this dumb guy sitting with them. Or, she could have tried to make a witty comeback, “calling me out”, as a lot of folks try to do these days. One-up-manship, I believe it’s called but not spelled. But that would have been precisely the wrong thing to do. Even if she came up with some scathingly brilliant remark, it would have fallen flat (to the educated observer) because you can’t rebut nonsense. What I said was just stupid. There’s no witty retort for stupid (and saying “You’re stupid” isn’t witty; it’s just mean). Her reaction was perfect.

You don’t get it, because it cannot be described. But trust me. Similar ineffable incidents occurred, resulting in—by the end of the night—me falling in love with this server. Luckily, I had given my solar-powered friend a “This Is Conlan” wearable button earlier in the evening. So I ripped it off his shirt to leave along with the tip. Antilabs insisted I leave my business card too, which didn’t seem as cool and mysterious to me, but I obliged, not wanting to seem ungrateful.

And so that’s it. Dumb story, right? Well, less than a week until you’ll be able to read more like it right here at good ol’ This Is Conlan dot com, home of This Is Conlan, the internet weblog of Conlan (which This is).

Please don’t get swine flu.

  1. Which is the politically correct and inoffensive term, you mouth-breathing NRA commies. []
  2. Note: this option wasn’t on the menu, but they did it for three of us without complaint—good service! []

Conlan Asks: Nick

nick-1.jpgI asked my nine-year-old cousin Nick for advice on women.

He offered his simple, effective four-step plan:

  1. Kiss her.
  2. She will cry.
  3. She will kiss you.
  4. You will have a girlfriend.

Ingenius, no?

Update: He has no similar advice for women courting men.

12DB, Day 5: The Wizard’s Pub

“Are you gay?”

“Am I gay?” I want to be sure I understand the question.

“Yeah.” The girl is drunk. She wandered into the bar and sat near me. She came in with friends but they’re in the corner talking.

“No,” I say. “Do I seem gay?”

“Well, you see,” she says, clutching her Bud Light with Lime, “I’m kind of attracted to you, and usually the guys I’m attracted to turn out to be gay.”

I see. This is her pick-up line. A little self-deprecation or irony or something. Clever. Although, if she wasn’t stupid-drunk and hadn’t been slurring to my friend about being a bad influence on her nephew, maybe she’d realize that suggesting a guy is gay is rarely endearing—at least in a heterosexually romantic sense. On the other hand, she has a mustache tattooed on her index finger so she can hold it under her nose to appear mustachioed. So maybe she knows what she’s doing.

But she isn’t really my type. Then she spills her beer.

I should have said yes.

12DB, Day 3: Hate

A pretty girl I’ve never met writes to me:

You’re anti-social and hate everything. Me too! At least in a world of loathing, we know there are others with a like mind out there.

This is a tricky situation. On the one hand, I am anti-social and I do hate everything, just as this woman does. And yet I wonder if she hates everything for the same reasons I do. The ass of it is, I only hate everything because I love it so much. I only hate the stupidity of humanity because it represents so much wasted potential. And really, the only stuff worth hating is stuff with free will.

Yeah, I can “hate” things that aren’t sentient. When I get going, I can hate the weather or the moon, but that’s just displacement. Weather is actually awesome. And even the moon—although I yearn, like all men, to destroy it—is OK, really. You can only truly hate something that is in someone’s control. Like public transportation. Or congress. Or a lack of electrical outlets at coffee shops. Or stupidity.

So the hate is more frustration-based. It’s not “Why must things be so awful?” It’s “Things don’t have to be so awful, but they are!” Which is much worse.

Think about it, won’t you?